Quotes & Jokes by Will Ferrell

Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.

Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.

I just took a test this morning. Yeah, at the free clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass, too. I got an A, two B's and a C.

Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

... people are always asking, Tiger, how do you do it, and my answer is shut up ... I ask the questions around here, I'm Tiger Woods ...

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which, of course, in German means a whale's vagina.

Every gay guys GPS system would tell him to Go straight.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

I always forced myself to do crazy things in public. In college I would push an overhead projector across campus with my pants just low enough to show my butt.

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.