Mitch Hedberg

Quotes

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs...sorry for the convenience.'"

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!

All quotes and jokes