Stand-Up Comedy

Serbia? Isn’t that the place that Clinton bombed because he stuck that cigar in that girl’s twat?

No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.

I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

Little Boy Blue - He needed the money.

Bitch was so fine I'd suck her daddy's dick.

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.