Stand-Up Comedy

They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish... then he has to get a fishing license. But he doesn't have any money, so he has to get a job and enter the social security system. And he has to file taxes, and you're gonna audit the poor son of a bitch because he's not really good at math. You pull the IRS van up to his house and take everything. You take his velvet Elvis and his toothbrush and it all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on him because he forgot to carry the 1. All because he wanted to eat a fish, and he couldn't even cook the fish because you need a permit for an open flame.

If someone asks you if you're ticklish, it doesn't matter if you say yes or no. They want to touch you. If someone asks you if you're ticklish and you do not want to be touched, say something like 'I have diarrhea. And yes, I am very ticklish.'

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they’re crappy kids.’

I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

I was in a card store and they had cards that said 'Get Well Soon.' Fuck that - get well now.

He died of natural causes? Well he got shot in the face with a bazooka... So naturally he’d be dead.

Yeah, I would like a cup of black coffee please. ‘How would you like that coffee?’ How would I like the black coffee? Can you put it in a cup? Yeah, don’t just splash it on my face. ‘Would you like cream and sugar with that?’ Is it black cream? If not, I’ll take it blackity black, black. Filled with blackness. Devoid of all light. Think of the blackest thing you can imagine and double that blackness and take a black magic marker and fill in the gaps and put that into a black rocket ship and shoot that into the depths of black space and close your eyes and use that as a reference.