Stand-Up Comedy

I have this friend who got divorced. I went golfing with him recently. It's the first time I'd seem him since the divorce. So when I got home, my wife's like, "How's Gary?" "I don't know" "I thought you went golfing with Gary today" "I did" "And you don't know how he's doing?" "It never came up." "Is he dating anyone?" "I don't know." "Were you two in the same golf cart?" "Yeah." "You're kidding me! You were in the same golf cart for four hours and you don't if he's dating anyone?" "I know he's got a new driver" "How is that possible that wouldn't come up?" "How is that possible it would come up?" "The hundred and fifty marker's there, probably about a hundred and thirty-five. Are you dating anyone?"

So he says My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always busting my friggin' agates. My daughter's married to a real loser bastard. And I got a rash so bad on my ass I can't even sit down. But you know me. I can't complain.

I went to the White House, met the president... We in trouble. (on Reagan)

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

Rooting for the Yankees is like going to a casino and rooting for the house.

Women can do anything men can do… except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny on purpose, reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with. Don’t get me wrong, I love women, I just think they should drink from a separate water fountain.

He died of natural causes? Well he got shot in the face with a bazooka... So naturally he’d be dead.

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.

Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me."

You cannot pee in a Mr. Coffee and get Taster's Choice.