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Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes & Jokes

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I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.

All music is the blues. All of it.

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Usually when you hear a laugh like that, it comes with a chainsaw.

By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.

I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.

Fatherhood means a great deal to me. I love it. To me, there aint nothing better, because your kids keep it real with you. When you think things are bad, you look at them and they show you how things could be all right, and it's all worth it.