Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

People ask me all the time, all the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, "Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?"

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My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

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It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No, dude you... You are fucking awesome!'

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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, "Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me." And Jesus looked at me and said, "You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell."

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

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My brother hates gay people - hates us. 'We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.'

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I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

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I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

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Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

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They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

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Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

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What we’ve done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It’s not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can’t even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now.

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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!

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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!

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Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.

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Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.

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