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Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes & Jokes

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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance. We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

My aunt used to say, slow and steady wins the race. She died in a fire.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

My report card always said, "Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students."

The moments of comedy are there. But the whole idea of a vacation is the stripping away of stuff and then, by the end of the vacation, at least in my life, you do have these moments as a group, as a family having a great time, so mellow again. It takes a while to do that but that's what this movie is about.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.