16194 quotes

People ask me all the time, all the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, "Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?"

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I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, "Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me." And Jesus looked at me and said, "You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell."

It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No, dude you... You are fucking awesome!'

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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

My brother hates gay people - hates us. 'We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.'

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Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

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I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

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I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

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What we’ve done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It’s not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can’t even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now.

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Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

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They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

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When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

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There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

"There’s no excuse for domestic violence." It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she’s about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? "Unfortunately no, there’s no excuse. You’re going to have to let her drown that third one."

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If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

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The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!

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