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Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes & Jokes

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A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

You know, I don't think Richie would go to my Uncle Bert and go, 'Hey, I understand you got bowel cancer. Oh man, I know how you feel, I gotta drink a lot of booze. What's your symptoms, Uncle Bert?' 'Well, my bowel, I got blood pouring out of it all the time? and I got searing, clawing pains?ripping, tearing, mind-screeching bowel pains?and they're combined with aching, dull, soul-deadening bowel pain. Those are basically my symptoms; how 'bout you?' 'I get happy. I tend to be able to talk to people easier, I find. Sometimes, I'll meet a lady at a bar, got the same disease I do, and I'll fuck her.'

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance. We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

My report card always said, "Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students."

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack smoking, wife beating motherfucker."

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.