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Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes & Jokes

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It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

All music is the blues. All of it.

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.

Usually when you hear a laugh like that, it comes with a chainsaw.

By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.