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Wanda Sykes

Quotes

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

I have nephews. They love spending time with us. T they love it because we let them do whatever they want to do - they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man - 'Oh what? Oh, no dinner? Alright, fine, hey - ice cream all day, how about that? I don't have to cook a damn thing. Just scoop it out. There you go. Eat up. I don't pay your dental bills.'

As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' Oh, OK - 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and I'm like, 'Damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'

I don't understand this whole Elvis thing. There are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don't dress up like them and do impressions. I'll show up at the family reunion in a dirty t-shirt and a bald cap - 'Look, everybody, I'm Uncle Earl.'

You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.

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