Quotes & Jokes by Andy Kindler / page 4
Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.
Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.
Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"
When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?
Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.
I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.
The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said ‘get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.
They should also use focus groups only if you’re researching how a cookie tastes.
George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don’t get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There’s no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.
My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
George Lopez does so much mugging, I’m surprised he’s not up on charges.
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.