Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 10

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.

Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"

Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.