Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 10

Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.

I don't know what possessed me, but yesterday I yelled out the wrong name in the middle of my girlfriend's funeral.

Whenever I meet a doctor, I like to pull them aside and say, "You're a doctor, right? Can you get me some... AIDS medicine?"

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.

My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.

I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.