Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 4
I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.
Last week, the city of Detroit filed for bankrupty, it became obvious that Detorit was in trouble when it offered to suck chicago’s dick.
My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?
I'm mad at my roommate for masturbating in front of the computer. It's my computer. And he doesn't even watch anything.
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!