Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 6
If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to life your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.