Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 8

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Why don't they put bears in Tampax commercials?

Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.

Women are like potato chips. They better come with my fucking sandwich.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.

So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.

I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.

I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.

I like my mom's cooking a little better than my girlfriend's. But I don't tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.

Every Thanksgiving, I like to invite the less fortunate over to my place for a great big dinner. And give them the wrong address.