Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 17
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
Well thank you, I can hardly say I'm an 'eloquent' writer, it's like a third grade reading level.
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up.
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.