Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 17
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up.
No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.