Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 17
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.