Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 13

Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.

You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Where my mom, y'know, shoots and kills a man?

What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!

The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.

Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!

Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.

Couldn't we have just sent Saddam a mad cow burger and a Paxil and been done with it in, like, '03?

They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!

Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, "You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail." Loser.