Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 13
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an "ignorant, pushy people" person.
You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Where my mom, y'know, shoots and kills a man?
Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."
Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, "You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail." Loser.
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!
The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.
I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?'
Couldn't we have just sent Saddam a mad cow burger and a Paxil and been done with it in, like, '03?
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!