Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 5

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

Two weeks ago in Los Angeles, at a stop sign, I was asked for a dollar by a homeless 22-year-old Vietnam veteran. I was like, 'Here's a buck. Yeah, I know man, Da Nang was whack.'

Blood... does not make you family. In fact, blood just links your DNA to the scene of their crime. A real brother is a guy you can pin down and dangle a two ounce loogie that far over his face. So, that at the very last second, you suck it back in. Or you don't. That's what makes family. Phlegm.

Well, honey, she's brain dead. Her brain doesn't work anymore.' 'You mean like Uncle Rudy?' 'No, honey, Uncle Rudy's on Thorazine. And Paxil. And marijuana. And merlot.'

Let’s say a guy walks up wearing the goofiest shoes you’ve ever seen. Crocs maybe.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!

My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.

If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!

So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!

Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!

All parents suck. There's not a good one out there. Not one. You people watching right now... if you were good parents you would turn this television off, you would grab a book, and you would read to you children.