Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 20
If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
One of the coolest things about the word "boobs" is, when you look at it, it has boobs.
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.
"Scatterbrain" is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
Alien abductions. I don't believe in them because it's always the same circumstances, the same type of people, the same situations. It's never a black guy; it's never a Hispanic guy; it's never a physicist from the Netherlands - it's always some dumb white fuck in the middle of nowhere.
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.