Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 5

You have to hold your hand out, cuz the steam makes you angry. Try to bring your hand in, "ooh! I hate steam! Whoever invented steam sucks!"

I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."

Dude i know what you mean with the jelly, tell this twat to get some fucking jelly.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

You have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln and all the charm of the man who shot him.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.