Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 5
Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"
Dude i know what you mean with the jelly, tell this twat to get some fucking jelly.
Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
Any guy that refers to dating women as "the hunt" or being "on the prowl" should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
Cause once someone says "fuck you," there's no comeback. 'Fuck you!' "Fuck me? Yeah, that's right, fuck me."
People at home, you having some drinks? Having some drinkies? Or are you booting black tar heroin? Lose the habit!
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
On the wall someone always has to write, “Mike was here” but someone draws an arrow and writes "Mike is a faggot." Like Mike is coming back to check it out. "What the fuck is this? I was here but not as a faggot! I’m trying to make a statement here!"
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."