Quotes & Jokes by David Cross / page 3

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

I don't remember ordering the Christian sandwich...

It's hip to be square. Remember that shitty song by that shitty band 20 motherfucking years ago?

Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta.

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

You can't just yell jokes at people.

There are a lot of reasons for that. For one, we have good light here.

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.