David Steinberg Quotes and Jokes


My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.

The only reason I feel guilty about masturbation is because I do it so badly.

I used to have a theory that I took almost through all the presidencies. And it was that you're either - it's like the Three Stooges. You're either a Moe, who's in charge, or a Larry, who wants to be a Moe, or you're Curly, who is nuts and totally just off the page.

My father was a rabbi and had a little synagogue in Canada, so I'm from Canada. I left there at 16.

The worst thing that can happen to a comedian is to do a documentary on your life and you're watching it with an audience and there's not a laugh.

You get to a philosophy after a while that everything is sort of cycling in a way. You know I have a sort of capsulized philosophy that your success is so relative. When you’re a baby success is not wetting your bed. When you’re a teenager success is going all the way. When you’re a young man success is making money. When you are middle aged success is being happy. When you’re an old man success is going all the way. And when you’re really old it’s not wetting your bed.

I'm not a narcissistic vain comedian, but I like to tell a good story.

A lot of young people make the mistake of going into comedy just because it's a lucrative business, as opposed to earlier, even Steven and I, we were in 'Second City,' we never... thought of going beyond 'Second City' in Chicago.

I starred in a Broadway play that was Sidney Poitier's first directing job and the cast was Lou Gossett, Cicely Tyson, Diana Ladd and I played a Jewish kid who offered himself as a slave to two Columbia University students as reparations.

When I talk to Steve Martin, he's joyful when he talks about comedy.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

Silences are the most underrated part of comedy.

My influences were Woody Allen and Lenny Bruce.

Comedians talk to other comedians the way jazz musicians can talk to each other.

Today being a stand-up means that you have to throw them a joke, then another and then another and then follow up with some kind of storytelling.