Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 3
I was eating some pizza and I burnt the roof of my mouth. Then I thought, “wait a minute, this is the ceiling of my mouth.”
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."
I was having lunch with my friend. I said, 'Hey, what's your middle name.' He said, 'I have two middle names.' I said, 'Then you have no middle names. You have a space.'
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
I feel like my washing machine is sneaky because I put clothes in there and detergent and start it up. I hear all this noise as it’s turning around, then I open the lid to see what was going on and it’s like... "What man? We’re just hanging out in here. There’s nothing happening? Don’t worry about it. I’m a washing machine, not a show you how I do it machine."
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, "Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?" And uh, he said, "Okay" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, "I don't have a 10, I have a 9." "Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed, so that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius.
I hadn’t been to the beach since the summer the synchronized swimming team drowned. It was tragic yet beautiful. Apparently the lead got a cramp and they were pretty hardcore.
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!