Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 5

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by mistake.

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. So I called, and said, ‘I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is?' And I have a comment: 'yes'.

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.