Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 5

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. So I called, and said, ‘I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is?' And I have a comment: 'yes'.

I like rock, paper, scissors - two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff - I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together - you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.