Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 2
There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
You like the Red Skelton painting? Buy the Red Skelton painting. You like "Home Improvement"? Tape it and go over it like the Zapruder film. It's your life; live it on your terms.
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
Since the bus, a lot of people go to Florida who wouldn't if they had to hire a driver.
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
(Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 72 virgins upon arrival in heaven) The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
Technology is fine, but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.