Quotes & Jokes by Eugene Mirman / page 5

Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo - though those people may also have real problems.

School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other… but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.

What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that’s a lie promoted by the bears.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called "An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory".

Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other PR is about creating a web of lies that conceals the fact that your company harnesses the energy produced by rape and uses it to make a chemical that kills forests for fun. Either way, you're going to need it.

If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.

Whatever makes “Hey Ya” good, it is the evil side of that. It is the anti-matter to the matter of “Hey Ya.”

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.

I don’t know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I’ve toured with a lot of comedians and it’s never been like it is for a rock band.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.

I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.