Quotes & Jokes by Gabriel Iglesias / page 6

The only way I will do a sitcom is if it’s hurled at me, and I don’t have to work for it.

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

I have always been told that I was a funny, entertaining person and have always been told to give comedy a try.

I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.

I know enough football to know that’s funny!

I was not the popular kid in school.

Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?

I'm not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.

Hanging out with comics, all they did was make fun of me.

You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.

I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.

Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.

The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."

Big time, ... I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes — when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.