Quotes & Jokes by Greg Giraldo / page 4
Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'
You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?
I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'
The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?
I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.