Quotes & Jokes by Richard Jeni / page 2
Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."
They had a sign up: the lobsters were flown in. How cruel is that? Think about that - let's say you're a lobster, you've never been on an airplane before - what else can you think, but you've won the lobster sweepstakes?
Relationship are tough. Sex is easy. We take a good idea - sex - and turn it into a bad idea - marriage. Statistically the divorce rate is fifty percent and climbing. The "I just had an orgasm and I didn't like it" rate is holding steady at zero.
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
The government scares me. They're taking my picture at the stop sign. They're looking through my shoes at the airport. They're worried about gay people getting married, locking up potheads, having congressional investigations because of Janet Jackson's tit. You're better off committing murder or rape because those things you can get away with.
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
People always ask "Rich, why don't you take a vacation?" Why would I? I have no interests or hobbies. The only things I care about are naked women and comedy. If I do my job well it often provides both.
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
We're all a little bit hypocritical and we could all help people more than we do. You know you're sitting there watching TV, it's late at night. Then you hear: "For $9 a week, you could help this starving child." Everyone has the $9, but how do you not give it to them? You gotta rationalize it somehow. You just go, "Ehh that kid doesn't look that hungry to me. Shit he's got a bigger belly than I do. How you can you feed a kid for $9 a week, that's impossible! Shit a Low-Fat, Low Carb latte is $4.50. Whats that kid gonna do with 2 giant cups of coffee? I'm actually doing him a favor not giving him any money, because there's nothing worse than being wide awake and starving. You're welcome Haboopoo."
I think there are people on other planets looking at us and going, “Oh yeah, the Earth, we used to have a place there, but then that whole neighbourhood went”.