Quotes & Jokes by Richard Jeni / page 4

The last president that anybody wanted to fuck was JFK. A woman president could be voted in if guys wanted to fuck her. If a female candidate with lots of sex appeal ever came along, her entire campaign could be “So vote for me and maybe I'll fuck ya”. She'd win by a landslide 'cause guys will do anything to get laid.

When on guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case. Ten people see him it's a cult. Ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It’s like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

It's better to be alone than to wish you were alone.

You know what the average person is? Average.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.