My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.
Other quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.