I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.
Other quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.