Aziz Ansari: I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to...

Aziz Ansari:

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.

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Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.

I went to a place recently I think is one of the most fucked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it.

Well, MTV isn't really my cup of tea... mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea.

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Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!

My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.

No one’s trying to get with jugglers.