When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.
Other quotes by Demetri Martin
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'
Canoe plus waterfall equals "I don't go camping anymore".
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.
I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.