Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.
Other quotes by Demetri Martin
Canoe plus waterfall equals "I don't go camping anymore".
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'
When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.