When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?
Other quotes by George Carlin
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.