When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin: I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal...
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?
Other quotes by George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.