I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?
Other quotes by George Carlin
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.