Quotes & Jokes by Andy Kindler / page 6

I actually wrote a speech. Normally I do bullet points and run-on sentences.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I don’t like any nastiness on tv unless it’s coming from me.

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

I don't want to compare the Republicans to Nazis. I'm just saying, Dick Cheney would have had a nice time in Nazi Germany.

You know what's ironic is that I am against the death penalty, and yet, my porno name is Lethal Injection. Isn't that weird?

You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

My Jihad energy drink isn’t going to go. Ramadan noodles, not going to go. My Islamic version of the 3 Stooges, with Mohammed and whatever would be the Islamic version of Larry and Curly...

Over in Amsterdam, they spoke pot. They mix it with hash and tobacco and they roll it together. And the reason why they do that: they have so many vices, they have to combine them. “Oh, I’ll smoke pot but I don’t want to have that cut into my cigarette smoking time. I’m doin’ a hooker in 10 minutes.”

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Here's a guy who's never faced combat or anything in his life - or really had a tough day - and he's like, 'Bring it on,' I love that. He's like, 'Ya got a problem? Bring it on. Over there. In Iraq. Where the troops are.'