Quotes & Jokes by Arj Barker / page 2
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
I’m not even worried about settling down. I think it’s way too early. I’m 25 and I’m in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn’t even been born yet.
They got a restaurant called Hungry Jack's, but I didn't feel comfortable eating there. How good could it be? The guy who owns the restaurant is hungry. If it was called Fat Happy Fucking Well-Contented Jack's, I'd eat there. But I wouldn't bring a kid because it has a swear word in the title, and that's inappropriate.
I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like $200, but for some reason, I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet restringer, it's like $8.95. And I had to ask myself: why would it be that by paying less, I get more? How is it that the less I pay, the more I get? And I've figured out there's only one logical answer - the giant, multinational, megacorporations really just want me to be happy. That's the only possible answer.
I'm coming back. And when I get back, then we'll be together forever - forever and ever and ever - until death. Even beyond - beyond death: two souls enmesh as one soul! One soul floating for all of eternity in the great abyss, the aftermath, that which remains unknown to all who dwell in the trappings of mortal flesh, until the final passing!' Anyway, that's what I left on her answering machine. She hasn't called back yet.
It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts. "'Great party Arj. Best party ever.' What a jerk!" "How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?" "Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman."
I love New York, though I'll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That's just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.
Now I have a fax machine. I never had one before, and I might have to admit, I'm excited to use it. But the problem is, I don't really have anything to fax. I mean, take a good look at me. Do I look like I have any documents that need to be somewhere in a hurry?
I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.
I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.
I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.
It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I’m like, "Alright, but where’s the loyalty, man. I’ve known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?"
From an early age, I was trying to get laughs, but it wasn't a conscious thing. I think I was about six months old when I first realized I needed friends in life and making people laugh worked for me. By nine months, I came out of my shell.
My friends, they only want to know one thing: 'Did you score? Did you score? Did you score? Did you score?' Hey, guess what - news flash, guys - a date's not a sporting event. A date's an opportunity to be in the presence of another individual and celebrate the unique-osity of that person. And no - I didn't fucking score!