Quotes & Jokes by Bill Burr / page 4
You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know... the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!
You know, I have to admit, I saw this robbery coming from a mile away, which is why I put my car keys up my ass.
Are any terrorists listening to this podcast? Are ya? In a fuckin' cave right now jerkin' off to your 72 virgins or whatever the hell they're promising ya. First of all, they're not there. When ya die, ya go in the ground. Okay? That's where you're goin'. So what ya wanna do is ya wanna try to stay alive. Ya know? Meet yourself a cute fuckin' lady. Have a cookout. Ride a bicycle; feel the wind in your fuckin' hair... or in your beard. Ya know? Whata ya doin'?
Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel you're gonna get fucked up when you're around a trolly.
Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.
Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
I din’t do shit today. Almost till 4 o clock I just watch TV, so i’m a loser.
I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.
I'll tell you why -- because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.
'Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay...' Yeah, why wouldn't you?!