Quotes & Jokes by Bill Hicks / page 5
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a definite lifestyle plus isn't it? Aren't bosses something? They're like gnats at a picnic man. Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed. My bed was like a womb man.
This needs to be said: there never was a war. "How can you say that, Bill?" Well, a war is when two armies are fighting. So you can see, right there, there never was a war...
I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America.
Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them... are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.
I am not promoting the use of drugs, I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!
Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.
I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready? Non-smokers die every day... Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality... You're dead too.
I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by "This Bud is for you."
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.