Quotes & Jokes by Brian Posehn / page 2

My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.

Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.

If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.

Always been a big heavy metal fan. I remember being 15 saying, "Dude I'm going to love heavy metal forever. Heavy metal til I'm 60." I'm 35 now. I think I'm going to give it one more year.

I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.

Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.

I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.

People Sinatra should have sung with? Slayer.

Guys don't do that when they go out. Guys don't wear outfits that feature the dong.

When I'm late it matters, but when everybody else is late it doesn't matter... If that's the rule then just write it down and then I know, you know... I'll read it and I'll write it down on my balls. Right here. Right here on the back of my balls is where I'll write it. On the very back. I'll just lift them and write it nicely.

Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.