Quotes & Jokes by Brian Regan / page 4
You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks, sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand it. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble.
Brian, relax, man. You’ve gotta relax when you make the crank calls.
"Would you like a nice cold fish head? They're frozen solid: frozen head of fish, the eyeballs in there and the skeleton's coming out. It comes with a turnip and a spork." "I was wishing you had one of them left; wishing upon a star."
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: "Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother?" What's the guy supposed to say?
It's the competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, 'Alright, Kalkrovich, we fill these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third story window in 30 seconds.'
I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'
They have the x-ray area. I don't mind going through it, but I get tired of the businessmen who make way too big a deal out of their computers. 'Excuse me, I have a computer. I have a computer here. I don't know how you're going to handle this - my computer.' Oh, is he from the future? They've been around a while, pal. I think they have a way to handle your computation machine.
So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of... three." "Three what?" "Three... girth units."
We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, this keeps all your food cold for 600... You've got this refrigerator, this keeps all your food cold for 800... Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold."
I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me!" Beware the me monster.
I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! "I'm the two plate guy!" Clank! Clank! "Anyone wanna spot me?" Clank! Clank!
"You want another one?" "Oh, I don't know: I've already had two whole, entire Fig Newtons. Maybe I could try to muscle one more down but I don't think I - Mmmm, I am stuffed to the wrappers!" They're nuts. "We got an ER here. We got a three Fig Newton eater." "How many did he have? What is he nuts? Doesn't he read?"
I always get nervous with that one test. "Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B." "Now! No, now! Now! Then! I don't know I don't know." I'm afraid if I get it off by an eighth of a second I'll get these big, hubble coming attraction glasses. "You must have messed up that A B test!" "Did I ever! Hence the corrective spectacles."
So, what are you in for? Manslaughter! I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!