Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 2

According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He’s going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?

I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.

People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.

Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.

I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?

Kiefer Sutherland is spending the holidays behind bars, so for Christmas he’ll need crossword puzzles, stationery, magazines, a cork and a rape whistle.

This week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she's pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you've got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

If you choose jail over church, you either really hate God or you really love butt rape.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.