Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 3
And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.
If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.
And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed.
The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer!" You guys have been great. Thank you.
When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.
So I went to drown my sorrows in a 19 year old waitress. So we talked, and on the third day, I got her into bed. And she started to cry. It’s like I’m a mental-illness magnet at this point.
Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, "You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change."
I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, "Kate."
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, "Dune buggies. Woohoo!"
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"