Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 3

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.

And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed.

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What’s the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, "Kate."

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!

So I went to drown my sorrows in a 19 year old waitress. So we talked, and on the third day, I got her into bed. And she started to cry. It’s like I’m a mental-illness magnet at this point.

When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.

If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.

And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!

Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.

Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, "You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change."

I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."