Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 3
When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain... "I wasn't invited to this party." But then, once you're in love, that's like being inside that party, going "Where's my jacket? I wanna get outta here. where's my jacket? I been to this party six years and I wanna see other parties! Where's my jacket. Someone shit on the coats. I think someone shit on, about, or around the coats."
One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.
You know I am glad he is an atheist. Because wouldn't it be great that while he is doing his little tree thing, I know they do a lot of work with breezes, through the woods a huge sweaty guy with an ax comes long, sees him "chop-chop", puts a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throws him into a sawmill and grinds him up "neeeeee", then you pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.
When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.
I just mixed a 5 hour energy drink with some sleepy time tea. Let's see who wins this battle.
I want to be an alien. The movie 'Aliens' - isn't that the best, those aliens? You don't mess with those aliens. They're bad-ass looking. They're always wet and shit. You don't mess with that. If I got on the subway like that, you wouldn't mess with me.
The first job I had was at Burger King. I didn't want to call it Burger King, so I used to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like, "Where do you work," I was like, "I work down at the BK Lounge. I'm a bouncer." "Can we get in?" "Not without coups."
I had that game Operation. Big naked white guy... He had no pee pee at all. He was like that guy from the movie Silence of the Lambs remember he tucked it in... "Put the lotion in the basket..." I use to do it I'd come out of my girlfriend's bathroom and go look I'm just like you! I was always afraid that one time she'd be like "Oh yeah! I'm just like you!"
A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.
These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (to man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh, Christ. Not you.
They always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right? Right, if you have a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. We got like scrunchies and banana clips coming out of nowhere. Hairspray. "Good. Good. Good." Front row seats. "I like that with the lips, the thing you're doing with the lips is good."