Quotes & Jokes by Denis Leary / page 4
We live in a country where Rosa Parks had the courage and conviction to sit down long enough to start a revolution that lead to Al Sharpton screaming racism every time Barry Bonds gets indicted for taking performance enhancing drugs in order to break a home run record set by a black man who didn't even have the benefit of Advil.
Why hate someone for the colour of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.
...and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: nuclear fuckin' weapons! Ok?!
I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all around my neck, I'll be Tracheotomy Man! He can smoke a pack at a time, he's Tracheotomy Man!
It doesn't matter how big the warnings on the cigarettes are; you could have a black pack, with a skull and crossbones on the front, called tumors, and smokers would be around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet ya get a tumor as soon as you light up!"
The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, going "Rock on man!"
Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swim next time, Ok Jerry?
I'm gonna open up my own place. Open my own restaurant and get away from you people. I'm gonna open up a restaurant with two smoking sections; Ultra and Regular, OK! And we're not gonna have any tables or any chairs or any napkins. None of that pussy shit.
This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.
I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?
Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh.
As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the fuck you want in my church!
I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?