Quotes & Jokes by Denis Leary / page 6

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time.

I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.

With any actor, if you know your character well enough, you'll know pretty much what he would say under any circumstance, or whatever situation might rear its head.

It's always great to get word that you've been picked up for another season, ... We're really hitting our stride and have great story lines already mapped out for next year.

I'm in my truck talking to Jesus. And you can see a World Series ring on my right pinkie finger. But when I take my sunglasses off a second later, it's gone. It's the whole divine intervention thing. You know Jesus had something to do with them winning.

Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual.

White men have screwed this country up! I would like a black, female…. everything all rolled into one.I want something different. I want a real change. People, I want a president who speaks well, who has a sense of humor. This guy is such a moron! It's beyond the point where it's a joke. He's an idiot.

The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.

Science fiction was never my thing. I have no interest in it.

Tommy has quit drinking and she shows up and all hell breaks loose.

We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.

I will tell you that the last five shows are going to really blow people out of the water. There's gonna be a lot of head-spinning going on.

I've good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!