Quotes & Jokes by Doug Benson / page 4
Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno; come up with your own example, smart-ass.
All marionettes are trying to say with this movie, is that if you don't see it, the sock puppets have won.
I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.
If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.
I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.
I'm sitting, waiting to get on the freeway, and I'm waiting my ass off. I look over at the side of the road, and there's a hitchhiker with a sign and it says, 'Pick me up, and you can drive in the carpool lane.' I got to tell you, he was kind of smelly, but he was a good conversationalist.
Just found out the hard way that the airbags in my car are quite effective.
I hate how all the hip hop bands of today will put crazy sound effects into their songs. You know what I mean, like a police or ambulance siren in a tune? Because I could own the CD, I could listen to it 50 gamillion times in my car - I still fall for it every time.
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius… I've been using money.
Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.