Quotes & Jokes by Ellen DeGeneres / page 6

If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit's eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson's eyes and ask him if it hurts.

You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'm sick and tired of hearing about me.

And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad.'

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

We're putting a face on something that a lot of people don't understand, ... And we want to give people some information before they make up their minds and judge us.

Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.

Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: "Where's she going? Why'd he do that? Is he mad at her?" "I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we?" You know who you are. You're denying it right now: "I do not do that. Why is she saying that?. What's she gonna say next?"

I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there's just no innocence left.

I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

I had a really tough time for a few years. My show was gone. My phone wasn't ringing. There wasn't one job offer. And at that point, I thought I knew for sure that I wouldn't work in Hollywood again.

Sometimes the greatest things are the most embarrassing.

I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.