Quotes & Jokes by Eugene Mirman / page 6

I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.

I don't have any rules, so don't invite me to game night.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

I’m fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.