Quotes & Jokes by Felipe Esparza / page 4
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
We all have a best friend in here. Every man in here has a best friend. The only reason you hangout with him is because his life sucks more than yours.
You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
I didn’t know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That’s what I learned. I didn’t know how to put a set together.
I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
I think I'm going to put baby powder all over my legs before this walk just to be safe.