Quotes & Jokes by Felipe Esparza / page 4
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
We all have a best friend in here. Every man in here has a best friend. The only reason you hangout with him is because his life sucks more than yours.
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.
I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
I didn’t know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That’s what I learned. I didn’t know how to put a set together.
I think I'm going to put baby powder all over my legs before this walk just to be safe.