Quotes & Jokes by Godfrey / page 2

You ever pull out money too big in front of a homeless dude? You're like, 'Let me give you some - oh, shit.' He like, 'Give me that $100.' 'No, here's some pennies.'

My black friends in America don't believe me. I said, 'Dude, I'm Nigerian American.' 'Word? We thought you were, like, regular black.' What the hell is 'regular black'? Crayola coming out with colors I don't know about?

You know your school is crappy when they advertise it on the subway.

People will bitch about anything. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even have to necessarily be a serious topic like religion. It could be anything and people will have a problem. I’m telling you! It could be anything.

You know what the bodega is? It's the little Latin store, and they try to act like it's a grocery store. It has two aisles. And the guy, he always tries to help me, 'You looking for the bread?' I was like, 'Dude, I can see it right here, alright.' He's like, 'Hey, hey, it's in aisle two.' That's all you got, what are you talking about?

In the locker room. Some dude is staying a conversation with me. "Hey not while you're drying your nutsack".

But some people want attention so bad they want you to see them angry at you.

I use profanity because I like profanity, but I’m not vulgar. Big difference. I love profanity because I really think profanity is cool.

Thanks for the shortest month, asses - and the coldest.

This is my life, man! You can’t tell me how to talk about my life. People come with that kind of arrogance like, “you need to be talking about this.” I say, “well you need to go listen to Christian comedy then.” It’s like listening to Christian rock, it just doesn’t count. You can either sing gospel or Catholic Church music, stay away from rock. You can’t rock a solo to Jesus, I’m sorry. No, I’m listening to Zeppelin dude.

Customs is punishment for those who travel. This will teach you for traveling to our country!

I think the audience should take away that it’s okay to be smart, it’s okay to be funny and well-learned. You can be from academia and be funny; you don’t have to be an idiot.

In general I believe in treating everybody nicely. I just think everybody doesn’t have to be an asshole. I just don’t understand why, because everybody wants to make it so badly when it comes to the fame and money, everybody turns to shit. I believe you can actually make money and be cool.

I observe everything around me and when something hits me and it’s funny, that’s what I talk about. I’m a more observational kind of comic.

If Mandela were a comedian, I bet he would never get mad at a heckler, he'd give him or her a hug.