Quotes & Jokes by Iliza Shlesinger / page 2
I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.
Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It’s not so much about being a girl, it’s about being a funny comic.
I didn’t “date” in college, I kind of always had a boyfriend. Just because I make jokes on a dating show doesn’t mean I’m Carrie Bradshaw.
When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that’s the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.
When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be "great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too."
You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.
There are two types of men: those who are intimated by a girl like me, and those who are not. You don't have to like me, but you don't have to be a dick about it. And after a lifetime of dealing with this, I'm pretty well-equipped, verbally, to cut anyone down at any time.
The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.
I don’t come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.
As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.
Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.
If I could have any job I would be a cat… but that’s not something I’m supposed to talk about in public.
You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.