Quotes & Jokes by Jay Mohr / page 2

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

True Yankees are born, not made.

I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

I flew to France. That's a long flight from L.A. to France, like 16 hours. And you just get off the plane and you smell like ass and you feel like ass, and then you meet French people, and you're like, 'I'm fresh as a daisy. These people smell like ass.'

I like getting a massage, but it's hard to relax because the whole time, you're laying there for an hour with a stranger, naked, with your ass in the air - a lot of trust involved. You can't really concentrate because you just keep saying to yourself, 'Don't fart. Don't fart. Don't fart. No boners. No farts.'

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Sometimes they give you their name when you call information. It's like, 'Thanks for calling 411. This is Wanda, may I help you?' You're gonna go, 'Wanda Matzger from Verona High School in New Jersey?' 'No.' 'Oh, OK. That would have been really weird. Sorry.'

I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.

I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.