Quotes & Jokes by Jim Gaffigan / page 2

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Whenever you go out [to eat] you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."

I love how New York is so multi-cultural. I wish I was ethnic. “Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, “He’s got a Latin temper.” But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, “That guy’s a jerk.”

"I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"

You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.

This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife...there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

I come from a very big family... nine parents.

When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”

I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

"I'm blind, bald, and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene."

It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? “What the?... Has someone been kidnapped?”

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"