Quotes & Jokes by Jon Stewart / page 5

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.

It's lunch time in the Diamond District. All the stores close down and the street is filled with chasidim, who suddenly find themselves caught in Yidlock.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.

Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube.

Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. "Private, shoot that man!" "I can't, he's adorable."

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.